August/September

Leaving summer soon and entering fall, I feel as if have been living somewhat of a mini-roller coaster (mostly internal) within my fairly normal routine. I am fighting to control a small flare-up that occurred over the summer, and results have been mixed. I have had to do bloodwork every 2 weeks or so, and the CPK enzymes are not out of control, but not necessarily under control, either. I have had to up both the Prednisone and the MTX. As mentioned before, I like Prednisone for a few reasons, mostly that it enables me to heal quickly and do all of the crazy athletic endeavors that I seem to be addicted to. This time, however, I feel a little more cognitive and mental turmoil. I have not felt in complete control of my mood and general demeanor/personality lately, and it is really bothering me. I am afraid that I haven't been as nice as I should be. Or have I? I think about my own behavior quite a bit, and question what is me and what is Prednisone. Just last week, I fired off a complaint from my email that I regret. I shouldn't have sent it, it stemmed from a misunderstanding that I should have just let go. I'm not even sure if I was correct or not. I have felt a bit isolated lately too... perhaps the cumulative effects of sitting on the sideline over the last several months. Although my mind plays with me... could it be because I'm not very pleasant to be around? Prednisone makes me think too much. Angry, lonely, and on steriods... not a good combo. In my head, I want to slow things down, I want to hit the volume down button. I want to stop talking, because I don't like what's coming out. Who am I? Why am I like this? You all must feel the same way sometimes, right? How do we make it ok? How much of it is real, and how much is just in my head?

On the upside, the Prednisone has cleared my IT band injury right up. I'm not 100% yet, but a heck of alot closer than I have been for a long time, and getting better every day. Being able to run again is a bright spot, and I am excited for the fall season. I can't imagine what my mood might be like if I still weren't able to run.

Bloodwork this week. Again. I have been quite the pincushion lately.

Flare?

CPK still climbing on 10 mgs of Prednisone. I was shocked that my last round of bloodwork showed increased inflammation even after a few weeks of steriods. I have been trying 20 for a week now, and I still feel like the inflammation is ramping up. Especially in the last couple of days, I am more sore and more tingly (my back, it's a wierd sensation) than I have been since I learned that my CPK had jumped. If I did bloodwork today, I am pretty sure that it would be higher still. What the ?! This wasn't part of the plan.

???