Trying to put this fire out is proving harder than I thought. I have been on 80mg/day of Prednisone for 1 week, and 40mg/day for 2 weeks prior to this one. I am as weak as ever above the waist... I cannot raise my arms above shoulder level and cannot lift my neck off of the pillow. My hands are useless, I can perform basic push/pull functions of very little force, but with no dexterity. I can still sit/stand on my own, which remains the bastion of my independence and functionality.
I am perceiving feeling the start of some Prednisone side effects. My joints feel like those of a 100-year old woman. My hips and knees feel taxed while walking, the bones in my shoulderblades feel like they grind against everything they touch, like the mattress or backs of chairs. My eyes feel puffy and slightly blurry. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, like a snake that needs to molt.
Every day that goes by is one more that I hadn't planned on feeling this way. Every morning begins with an internal curseword when I realize that it's still here. In general, I still maintain what I think is a decent level of optimism and foresight, but I also cycle through fear, disappointment, and just plain weariness on a regular basis. The physical weariness definitly takes its toll. I sometimes compare this to running a marathon with no sense of distance or time. Are we at mile 2 or 23? If I could know the distance and terrain ahead, I could plan my race, both physically and mentally. The weary part is putting one foot in front of the other with no idea where I'm going, how long it's going to take to get there, or even if there is a definitive finish at all.
Today is obviously a little bit of a downswing in mood. I'll bounce. Really.
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