But you don't look sick...

... which is the 5-word summary of life with Autoimmune Disease.  No, fuck that.  AI doesn't deserve capitalization.  It's not fair.  I have been feeling symptoms since late Spring, and I'm finally starting to crack, mentally and physically.  Not a flare, just a slow burn of symptoms that have ground me to a halt.  Not a literal halt, work is fine and activities of daily living are intact.  Symptoms started in late spring when I got injured (again) with IT band syndrome.  I started getting Reynaud's hands in May (May?!).  All of my hair fell out, and even small peach fuzz on my face.  I have a lump in my throat that is noticeable when I swallow and talk (I don't know if that's thyroid or just some esophagus swelling).  I have dry nose and a weird rash around the edges, and my lips are dry scales. My back tingles often.  And all of that is livable.  (Except the IT bands.)

This picture is dated May 1 on my phone.  May!  

But the mental effects are something like this:  

1) I am not myself.  I don't feel sick, but I also feel a distinct departure from my well and true self.  AI is as much of a robbing of your identity as it is a disease.  

2) With that, I transition to the sideline, the bench, of life.  I have 2 parallel lives... the one that I should be living, that I would be living.  And then the actual present.  The one where I lay low, put things on hold, and wait for time to pass. 

3) Not wanting to be around others is a hard thing to explain, but it's a palpable symptom.  I don't know what it is, I just don't want to engage. It just isn't me out there.  I can't explain it. 

3) My own head is a chasm of emotion, self-pity, fear, and desperation.  It's too big in there, too deep. I am completely self-obsessed.  It's hard to think about anything else.  

4) I'm not fatigued, like tired or sleepy. But there is a kind of fatigue present.  Fatigued of AI, I guess. 

I have to give up my spot as a pacer for the Memphis marathon soon.  I haven't done it yet, I was trying to delay as long as possible with the hope that I might bounce from this in time.  I'm trying to reconcile from being heartbroken over it, and then getting a grip on myself and putting it into proper perspective.